What kind of man do you deserve

– Who’s that there, in the bushes? – Alice asked.

– Miracles – said the Cheshire Cat.

– And what are they doing there? – she asked, blushing slightly.

– What miracles do – they happen… Lewis Carroll

You don’t have to be a woman at all, that is, a woman doesn’t have to be a woman (forgive the pun) – you can be a human being, and a friend, and….

a specialist in your own field. Life offers a Person many roles.

Some are convinced that a woman must be feminine, but I think a woman “mustn’t” at all. A WOMAN begins when she realises and accepts what she WANTS.

And yet it is very typical of women to – WANT RELATIONSHIPS (please don’t confuse with “WANTING happiness in relationships”). What can a woman really want, when she so often “gets burnt” in relationships with men?

For all their active success and recognition, if a person isn’t fulfilled in accordance with their sex, full satisfaction with their life never comes. That is why the theme of relationships between a man and a woman is relevant at all times. And what these relationships will be, happy or dramatic, depends on the ability to notice

• how I FALL INTO relationships;
• what hidden need these relationships are BUILT on;
• how to INFLUENCE my own level of happiness in this process?

Here I want to look at the main archetypes of men and the women corresponding to these archetypes, who are “interested”, unexpectedly for themselves, for seemingly secret reasons, in meeting men of the same archetype again and again and persistently living out one and the same scenario. From time to time we get indignant at this state of affairs, yet with incredible persistent consistency and inevitability we step on “the same rake” (given a person’s particular tendency to repeat a dramatic scenario, the “dance on the rakes”).

I very often hear the question: “Can it be that other types of men exist only in novels and TV series? As if to spite me, it’s exactly these “favourite rakes” that I keep meeting.” Let’s sort out this phenomenon. For ease of understanding, we can use a rather nice “ruler” of archetypes:

VICTIM – OUTCAST – ORPHAN – HERO – WINNER

(in ascending order from failure to success)

A person can move along this ruler both up and down; however, each individual still tends to be “registered on a floor” that corresponds to their Basic State. Women, like men, also have their place on this ruler, but that is not what this is about now – it is a subject for a separate article. Here the emphasis is on Male archetypes and their companions.

To each male archetype there corresponds a specific type of woman. And accordingly, women will not be interested in a “foreign” archetype. Regardless of what a woman says in words. For example, that she has long wanted to see a confident, strong and successful man beside her. In fact she is doomed to meet exactly what her own archetype matches, until she decides to step outside the habitual templates, in other words – to grow in Spirit.

THE VICTIM MAN

He is also the chronic loser and whiner. Everything is bad for him and in everything. He lives life in melancholy, sorrow and apathy. His main activity is lamenting the “injustices of the world” and savouring regrets of various kinds. The VICTIM often thinks about “changing the planet”, since to him those around him, like life itself, seem unable to appreciate the breadth and genius of his nature. In fact it is, of course, the man himself who turns out to be unfulfilled.

But he is wonderful soil for the self-assertion of a woman with the archetype of the RESCUER. Sowing virtue in her feminine form, in other words this is the archetype of the VIRTUOUS MOTHER. Who else will “wipe the poor thing’s nose” if not MUMMY? Who will feed him and warm him at her breast? It is next to such a man that a woman can feel, as never before, how needed and how competent she is. Her path is lit by Faith and Hope that the “boy” will grow up, get well (sometimes literally from alcoholism or drug addiction) and one day She will be able to tell herself: “I managed, I did it, I saved him!” And pamper her ego. Or she will even say – “WE managed it!” and this sweet “we” will fill her with a feeling of family and of her own involvement in the “miracle of healing”. Thus feeding the hope of living through a confirmation of her own power, she chooses, out of many men, precisely the VICTIM.

Symptom: an EGO hungry for self-assertion

Prognosis: if you create “all the conditions” for the VICTIM, his motivation to climb out disappears. By starting to actively “nanny” the VICTIM, a person deprives him of the need to switch on his own enthusiasm. In other words, she prevents the VICTIM from “getting on his own feet”.

THE OUTCAST MAN

He is a victim too, but no longer a total one, rather a victim on a particular theme. He knows his offender by sight. For him not everything and not everyone is bad, only those who abandoned him and did not love him enough. And if these are his parents, then it isn’t both who are to blame, but definitely one of them, while, as a rule, the other parent is “golden”. The OUTCAST must have an Enemy, whom he should punish with contempt and boycott and against whom he is ready to “be close friends” with someone. That “someone” often becomes his woman.

This scenario of relationships can be seen in a situation when HE tells HER how once HE loved very much, and the object of his love could not feel the whole depth of his feelings and the whole beauty of his inner strength and his genius. Girls who are STRAIGHT-A STUDENTS (and moreover VIRTUOUS STRAIGHT-A STUDENTS) often “fall for” this, since it seems to them: – Oh, yes! She couldn’t, but I – I can/I see deeper to the root! Only a very worthy person could love so strongly, after all. And she soothes herself with the hope that if he loved like that, then he will love me too, one day, when he appreciates me.

A woman can be short-sighted in this and not see the OUTCAST’s whole scenario. At a superficial acquaintance such an archetype makes the impression of a “well-brought-up person”, but with careless handling (if you touch his “sore subject”) he may suddenly “hit the ground” and become an ENEMY, since he has many of these “sore subjects”.

The STRAIGHT-A STUDENT is generally fascinated by such a process. Straight-A girls are strongly switched on by competition, evaluation and ranking: bad-good is a system of coordinates she understands, “sit down, five”, “sit down, two” – this is the basis of her picture of the world, and this prompts the straight-A girl to earn love by her “goodness”. The main thing here is to be friends against someone bad, and from this is born the thing so sweet to women – WE.

Symptom: the good straight-A student wants to get her “five”.

Prognosis: the straight-A student, having her own opinion about…, can easily pass into the category of enemy with any disagreement with the OUTCAST’s opinion. The OUTCAST’s spiritual powers switch on only if there is an Enemy, and when “everything is fine, all the enemies are defeated and everyone is home”, he “won’t lift a finger”, and instead of a happy time together the straight-A girl gets the dreary, dismal existence of a “well-fed Sunday evening in the family” and a bored man lying on the sofa with his gadgets.

That is why such a man, even if he lives with someone “in a relationship”, in order to stay in shape, entirely unaware of it, periodically and on a sliding schedule, appoints members of his household as his enemies, not excluding even animals and children. And they, too, are periodically met with a joyful truce “for the last time”, as well as presents, sex and other pleasures.

THE ORPHAN MAN

This is a very interesting and very densely populated layer of men. A lot of people live here. At first glance it may seem that the orphan is an apathetic, sad VICTIM, but that is not so. The ORPHAN can beg very energetically and plead poverty with such enthusiasm that even Stanislavski himself would have applauded him.

ORPHANHOOD precedes the configuration of the HERO, but unlike the active HERO, in whom the principle “I myself, I can” is strongly expressed, the ORPHAN hopes that circumstances, and not he himself, will help solve his life’s tasks.

The ORPHAN, for all his readiness to act, firmly intends to gather the resources of the people around him for his own benefit, on the principle of Matroskin the cat: “working together for my benefit unites us”. Yes, the ORPHAN is not yet a HERO, but he is “preparing” very hard to become one. And this gives hope to Women HEROINES, who are ready, for the common family good, to cut themselves short a little or a lot and to start investing in the “talented and promising one”. Trusting the folk belief that to become a general’s wife you have to marry a lieutenant.

However, the ORPHAN is greatly tempted to go on gathering the woman’s resources, feeding her on promises. Another distinguishing feature of the ORPHAN is a pathological pull towards “freebies” (promotions, bonuses and various adventures where, “hey presto”, a person becomes fabulously rich without much effort). That is why they often become victims of financial scams and various pyramid schemes, losing their own money as well as the money of friends and of women who “invested” in them. In the event of a financial loss the ORPHAN sincerely believes that chance got in the way, but next time he will definitely… and energetically “begs” again.

The ORPHAN is not yet a HERO. He does not understand the power and beauty of actions that come from the principle “I MYSELF”, which appear in the HERO, and so he – the ORPHAN – asks, or tries to snatch from others. The tragedy of the ORPHAN is that he does not believe that he truly deserves what he wants. Deep down he is often convinced that he himself is worth much less than what he wants, and so he feels he can’t reach it “honestly”, which means he must either wheedle it out (from his own people) or pull off scams (with strangers).

He is frightened and envious at once. Frightened by his own failure to match the standard of living he envies, and then he often has to lie, plead poverty or “put on airs”.

His partner is a Woman HERO, or rather even a CONTROLLING MOTHER. She, too, gets drawn into various contrivances in the hope of raising a HERO out of the orphan for herself. Here, precisely, the question arises: “Why not find a ready-made HERO straight away?” Ready-made HEROES don’t suit the CONTROLLING MOTHER for two reasons.

First, CONTROLLING MOTHERS don’t suit HEROES. A HERO deserves a celebration – a trophy woman. And a trophy must be worthy in form and in condition. HEROES have higher standards than ORPHANS.

Second, HEROES are free and wilful, so such behaviour/state is not to the CONTROLLING MOTHER’s taste. It may upset her heroic plans about “us”.

Symptom: Power and influence. I will teach him by personal example to be a HERO.

Prognosis: Disappointment and mutual grievances (who did/gave/presented more for whom, what, when).

THE HERO MAN

The HERO is the first successful archetype of those considered so far. The principle “I myself, I can” is strongly expressed in him.

The HERO is the archetype of a person who, when drawn into a process, does not diminish it but on the contrary strengthens it and moves it towards obvious evolution and success. He is reliable “in battle for a just cause”, for the success and prosperity of the firm and the family.

HEROES appear before us as winners through their feats, but that does not yet make them absolute WINNERS; it is only a string of temporary victories. What distinguishes the HERO from the WINNER is excess fuss and preoccupation. HEROES feel that their victory may be temporary or, worse, illusory, and then it’s into battle again.

But he is not yet a winner, which means that for all his luck and successes he still “cannot come home from the war”. He has no time to celebrate and to enjoy the results of his labours to the full. Chronic dissatisfaction together with great activity gives him no peace and makes him never stop at what he has achieved. This makes the HERO look incredibly manly and romantic in the eyes of many women, who flock in swarms and circle around HEROES, fluttering their lashes.

So which women are the HEROES’ WOMEN?

These are FEMININE women. They are able to accept and respect a man’s free expression, and his INDEPENDENT DECISIONS do not frighten them but fill them with admiration. Women who truly BELIEVE IN MASCULINITY and are able to cushion their jealousy of the escapades of their HERO, since in this, too, women recognise a man’s right to be FREE and SELF-DETERMINED.

The drama/imperfection of the HERO is that for all his activity and heroic action, he goes on searching for himself. The hero is generally inclined to test not only himself but also his women, to see who values him more. That is why they are often guided by the principle “whoever praises me best will get the biggest sweet”. They stage “fights” between their admirers while keeping the situation under control. Because a measured excitement and competition among women for “him, the beloved” raises him greatly in his own eyes, and he relies on this for his self-esteem.

The women tear him to pieces, and this flatters the HERO. Besides, having several sweethearts is a guarantee that whatever the outcome the HERO cannot sink into the zone of alienation, that is, it is a guarantee that he will not slide lower than the OUTCAST. He has learnt well that a holy place is never empty: if not Tanya, then Nastya or Katya/Ira/Lena. Sitting on many chairs – this is an important stage of formation. The HERO cannot make a choice even among women: “what if I miss something better”

Symptom: A contest of brides among ROMANTIC STRAIGHT-A STUDENTS (to prove that I am the best)!

Prognosis: his woman is proud of her HERO and uneasy for herself. She has only begun to feel she is the most beautiful when it turns out that the “mirror, mirror” brings a smell of someone else’s perfume and the presence of other beauties.

What can you do? There are few HEROES in the world, and WINNERS are fewer still.

THE WINNER MAN

An extremely rare variety; you may not meet one at all.

The WINNER has unambiguously “come home from the war”. His world is the best. That is, he himself experiences his WORLD and the WORLD around him as the best. Wherever he finds himself, it is “a moveable feast”. A calm and confident enjoyment of the best of the best. All the time in the world is ours. He no longer fusses or hurries, he is absolutely sure that everything happens and will happen on time. He is active, but this may be almost invisible, because as a rule he makes the minimal but absolutely precise movement and the effect is achieved.

This is what describes his state of life. He truly is well. He is convinced that all the best that exists under heaven is available to him, or else what kind of winner is he. And if there is something he doesn’t have, then he doesn’t need it. Valuing time and freedom, he chooses the woman himself. Unlike the HERO, who rushes about between those who have chosen him.

Who is his Woman? The Queen, of course. Here is that “fairy tale” that many women dream of. A Queen? – Yes. She is the only one, because the very best can only exist in a single copy. The princess contests are left behind for the glorious but still anxious HEROES, afraid of making a mistake, losing out and/or being rejected.

The Woman – the Queen – doesn’t take part in competitions and doesn’t haggle over her worth. She radiates contentment and perfection. Her state can be described like this: EVERYTHING IS ALREADY THERE – everything has come to pass (there is nothing left to improve, to fight, to fear, to control, there is no more war). Of course, because Her man is the best – he is a King, and that means there is order in her country, since the best, possessing the best, is an excellent master. And that means that everything he does is right and “everyone and everything” obeys him, like Daddy.

The “women’s world” is happy that she has a KING-FATHER. No one looks for someone to blame any more. The war is over, the “enemies” are defeated, things get done, a way is found. The QUEEN is pleased with how the KING rules confidently and tenderly in the BIG world.

Nothing her King may want to do will make her “wrinkle her nose” (that is typical of princesses/heroine-warriors/mummies and nannies). She is a Queen – a woman who is a celebration and a delight.

And that is why it is natural for her to SHINE WITH HAPPINESS whatever the outcome. This is the main quality of the WINNER’s woman.

It is a calm glow of happiness. This calm, born of a feeling of abundance and security, is unlike the changeable joy of a girl clapping her hands, whose euphoria from external, temporarily filling sources will give way to sadness that the resource has run out and will soon run out.

The QUEEN is full of herself, and is able to generate grace herself.

Prognosis:

What prognoses can there be in Paradise?

In paradise there is no future, as indeed no past – here is eternal timelessness – Here and Now.

If the WINNER loses the state of paradise next to a partner, he watches for a while: perhaps the partner didn’t sleep well, perhaps she has some problem, and he at once tries to solve it and usually solves it quickly. If this doesn’t help and “paradise” isn’t restored, the WINNER, without resentment or having it out, turns round and leaves, since He is oriented not towards the neuroticism of playing at problems but towards the result and the state of happiness.

The WINNER’s Path is I WANT, I DO, I RECEIVE, I ENJOY. In the last word lies the main difference between the WINNER and the HERO – Paradise within.

Paradise within tends to recreate paradise without. Everything that is not about this is quickly peeled away from his life and HAPPINESS is restored, because people with a PATH are very attractive to the opposite sex.

Now the answer to the question: WHAT TO DO ABOUT ALL THIS, or how to raise the level of happiness in relationships?

• Realise which scenario you are playing.
• Look at how I create it myself (how I fall into the scenario).
• Find the secondary gain in playing your scenario. For example, the wish to Assert yourself at the expense of a feckless partner / or the wish to insure against infidelity / the wish to control and manage your partner, and so on.
• Study the next level and take responsibility for the inner development of a quality or ability not previously yours that belongs to the next level.
• Take new actions, embodying the new quality.

Remember, a person’s life is changed only by new actions, and on this path of transformation it is important to know that suppressing the qualities that have already developed. For example, developing responsibility / masculinity is not a way out, but playing along and mimicry on the way to even bigger problems. The way out here will be developing the polarity of your archetype: trust / femininity to balance your nature.

P.S. A test example

Question: If a person who is late chases a departing train and at the last moment manages to jump aboard – who is he, the HERO or the WINNER?

Your answer:__________________________________

Hint: the HERO

My humble opinion:

Because the WINNER doesn’t run after trains. He rather flies high and far. And if suddenly, once in a blue moon, by train, then the train will certainly wait for the WINNER, having prepared in advance for such an honour.

P.P.S. An old joke on this theme, but with a new ending.

Three young bulls (a young one, a self-confident one and an experienced one) are grazing on a hill.

The young bull notices a herd of cows in the valley and says:

– let’s quickly, quickly run down the hill. Dibs on the little ginger one at the edge…

The self-confident one:

– no need to rush anywhere, we’ll go down the mountain slowly now and sha…g the whole herd.

The experienced one:

– no need to go down anywhere, let’s wait until they all come up to us themselves…

Natalia Valitskaya