Conflict – Fuel for Development

What is conflict? Conflict is when you run up against something in your partner. In agreeableness you cannot catch your partner’s actual qualities. We catch them when the partner has a clear wish or resistance. Running up against a wish or a resistance, you really feel the other person.

If a couple never has conflicts, it means that either the candy-and-flowers period is still going on, or the partners are not developing as a couple. People can have a close relationship and not develop at all.

What is development in a couple?

– By development, what is meant here is the exploration of each other’s traits of character, needs, ideas about life, secret longings and limits. Instead of developing through exploring opposite or simply dissimilar views of events, circumstances, wishes and permissions, people, in order to avoid conflicts, may decide simply to agree: let each have a sore spot and let no one touch it in the other.

But it is precisely the “sore”, the aching, that is the most alive thing in a person. THIS is exactly what makes him a Human Being. It is the most vital thing in him – his “sore subject” reads in him as his individual understanding of humanity! Otherwise, why would THIS exist in him? And on top of that, why would it be something secret and still hurt?

*This whole theme, the so-called sore spot* – is a real, pressing zone of growth.

Feel the difference between “it catches me so much that it hurts” and satisfying each other’s everyday needs and whims in a couple. If you have agreed to satisfy some of each other’s whims, but on no account to poke into what aches, so as not to cause each other pain, then that is a contractual relationship.

Until you have run up against something in your partner where he resists, consider that your partner has not yet shown himself to you. And as long as that is so, for all your liking of each other, you are not bathing in acceptance of each other – no. Neither he nor you yet even know what you will have to accept in each other. As long as you don’t yet know what lies behind the outer comfortable shell, you are living on advances, you are still carried along by a stream of mutual curiosity, which is no small matter at the start of a relationship.

The “start” may drag on like a prolonged foreplay, but the fear of disappointing or causing “pain” by touching a charged subject can become an obstacle to being open with each other. For example, the fear of being rejected may never let sex happen. And because of such psychological fears many couples prefer not to go into the depth of their relationship. Depth in a relationship is possible only by exploring the subjects charged with PAIN.

In many couples, with physical sex present, “psychological sex” never happens. What scares them? Of course, the fear of destroying what there is. Because every conflict is a risk. This conflict may be the last, the relationship will end. But a “properly” conducted conflict brings the partners to a new level of understanding each other. And only here, for people who like each other, does a chance appear to truly fall in love.

A properly conducted conflict brings gifts. These are the fruits of your living relationship; these fruits make you richer, more valuable to each other. This is how you learn what your partner is truly ready to bear and how far his love extends, and that means you can see the scale of his personality. And now you perceive what your love for him flows through. This is how you discover what is new in him, the thing you keep falling in love with again and again. This process makes the relationship alive. Or you discover something that makes it clear to you that this is not your “other half”. And if so, it is good that this fact was brought to light in good time – it saves life-time, his and hers.

A human personality has limits, the limits of personal experience. Experience contains the energy of a person’s personal power. Information that a person has taken without experience, alas, does not contain such energy. What has been lived through makes an individual the unique and unrepeatable being we observe in action. The motor skills of movement, the transmission of wishes, emotions and meanings – all this adds up to a quite definite, recognisable image. This image of a person has nothing to do with how well informed he is, and even if he shows us encyclopaedic knowledge he will not impress us, and that’s that. Personal experience – understanding with the body – contains personally absorbed energy, which becomes charisma. Whereas in “bare information” cut off from experience there is no such energy. Many “correctly speaking” lecturers put university students to sleep with boredom as they listen, because the energy of the lecturer’s experience isn’t there. Lively young people, having spent the evening before lively, “wake up” at lectures when the talk turns to living examples or when the lecture is given by a live lecturer who has experience of what he is talking about.

So, from the energy of experience are born the next wishes and the next curiosity, whose realisation already lies beyond the known. That is why it is so important for a person to follow their wishes, to go where their lively curiosity leads, which does not happen if partners are afraid of conflicts.

There, beyond the edge of the unknown, in allowing yourself and your partner, something new in a person’s personality opens up, there is a feeling of new territories and freedoms. It may seem to you “horror, what horror, you can’t do that”, but that is exactly what will become new energy – a new charisma. Even if there really is “horror – horror” there – let your beloved go there. It is with these “horrors and freedoms” that you deal in a conflict.

Approaching the real borders, we are afraid! We are afraid of our psychological Death. Our limits are about to collapse, which means new borders will form, but there I am someone I don’t yet know myself to be. How will I live my life with the new me?! Horror!

The old way, I know how, but the new way I don’t yet. My partner will be new, with an “extended option”, and who knows how to handle this new one. Everything is scary. That is the reason why many drag out the clearing of their relationship or the clarifying of their needs so long that they drag it out until their relationship starts to “smell bad”. Until one of them understands that in such a situation parting is not the worst decision and the risk of raising the “sore subject” is justified. And then they start talking… And? And it often happens that you may not need to part at all.

Conflict. The rules of conduct

A conflict of interests that is properly developed and conducted brings both partners to a new level of understanding each other’s needs. Through such a process there is more freedom and clarity in the relationship. You could say “enlightenment” comes to the couple.

Let’s begin with a question.

WHAT IS CONFLICT?

At bottom, it is simply negotiation. Its aim is to attune the couple more to each other, to introduce them to each other more deeply, to help them look in a new way at the shared space born of the combination of two energies and two worldviews.

What does an improperly conducted conflict look like?

OPTION 1. It is improper when the result is a “50/50” compromise. The partners entered the relationship looking forward to realising the hundred per cent of their potential of wishes. In the hope that the partner would accept all this, though not obliged to take part in all of it. But in case of conflict, when one disagrees with part of the other’s interests, he demands that this part be sacrificed for his own comfort, justifying it by saying that he himself will be ready to give up part of his own wishes.

To the one demanding sacrifices this seems a good solution, since he is inclined to sacrifice his needs regularly. If they have settled on this, now each has fewer interests of their own left than they had before the mutual relationship. So there they sit, looking at each other and sulking: they found a compromise, but there is no joy.

In this arrangement, each of the partners feels energetically worse in the couple than without it. But the fear of loneliness frightens more… Now these “close people” are both offended. But each secretly hopes that his own curtailed (to please the other) interests he will somehow quietly realise on the side without announcing it to his partner. And both feel that they are now further from each other than before the conflict.

OPTION 2. Another way events can go in the case of a compromise solution is to fall ill. But that is hardly the best option. “All of a person’s illnesses are his unfulfilled wishes,” say the Indians.

Compromises lead to a person becoming “less” in partnered interaction than he was by himself before the partnership. Then in such a relationship it gets “cramped”. When our wishes are cramped in a couple with someone, these wishes start to burst us from within with the symptoms of illnesses.

A relationship in which one of the partners insists on compromise is not about what is alive and strives to develop. It is about functionality in the partner, which the one who wants a compromise wants to use in the other to realise his static picture of “my ideal relationship”. And everything else that doesn’t fit this picture of the relationship, whatever in the partner “sticks out” off-script, he wants to amputate.

THE “50/50” WAY OF COMPROMISE – is characteristic of formal relationships. Their aim is not love but a mutual exchange of services and “renting yourself out” for mutual help in realising the project “my successful life, its attributes and people”. And “people” here really come last.

A story from life: She: I don’t know what to do! He says to me: “if you go to your trainings, I’ll go to the bar.” “I begin to think to myself,” she says, “there may be girls in the bar” and I begin to feel jealous; “what if he gets drunk there”. So I sit at home in the evening. We both sit there, sulking, not talking.

OPTION 3. Also improper.

This is when one of the partners wins in the course of the conflict. When he is stronger energetically or socially, he can, justifying it logically, force the other to sacrifice in the name of himself, the beloved, the “more right one”. The one who has sacrificed his interests and given up “a part of himself” now doesn’t hope to realise his wishes in full and fizzles out. And that means that the enthusiasm he put into the relationship becomes less! And the whole system on the whole begins to lose, the relationship fades. The partner’s extinguished state is contagious. The one who “won” the argument is in high spirits and, at first, seems happy to have grabbed his share. But then he begins to feel the bitter aftertaste of such a victory and quickly begins to wither himself, or else changes partners for a more “radiant” one, “unfrightened” by disappointment and vexation, and so more – resourceful.

A properly conducted conflict is when both win.

Yes, precisely everyone wins, and not when the strongest wins. This is the integral approach of living life. It is about the fact that inside a system, as inside a person, everything matters. A properly conducted conflict is when all interests are heard and taken into account.

– You want this? Go ahead, of course it may surprise me, surprise me a lot. And even frighten me, but “what wouldn’t you do for the one you love”.

– How can I help you with this? If I don’t even want to take part in it, how can I help you with it? For example in jumping off a bridge – I won’t take part (I’m afraid), but maybe I can photograph you from the bank? Or – There’s this and that as well that I haven’t tried – will you allow it, will you support me?

– Let’s try, share your experience, or maybe let’s try this together?!

And there is more freedom in the couple. A partner’s inspiration is contagious! Here, each one brings into the relationship what wasn’t there before. New discoveries, fresh thoughts and impressions. Acceptance of the partner not only gives wings, it gives an unshakeable certainty that this world is right, that you want to live and create in it.

Isn’t this what every person dreams of?

To be accepted as right and healthy. Healthy – from the word “great!” (in Russian, “zdorovo!” – “great!” – is from the same root as “zdorovy”, “healthy”)

In such relationships there is a geometric progression of living energy and curiosity about life grows, and so healthy achievements grow. And, as a consequence – happiness. With mutual support of happiness there is more of it.

It cannot be compared with relationships built on compromise, where each forlornly pulls the blanket onto himself, and wants to get more and spend less. Orphanhood is characteristic of a beggar’s consciousness. We can allow from a consciousness of abundance. An abundant approach to life is the source of royal generosity.

Both “come into their prime” in such relationships. This is what makes people “seasoned charismatics” – beautiful and free in their strength. Shared adventures open the way there, into the world of mutual permissions for each other, into a readiness to take part in each other’s interests. Such a union gives birth to synergy.

In such unions the idea of the Hellenic gods is embodied. What makes the legendary gods different from people? That they are mighty – they can.

To want is to be able? But it is not a fact that this works when you are in a couple. If you are less in a couple than without one – why do you need such a relationship?

Imagine you want something in a couple and the partner “puts the brakes on”. He may put no direct obstacles and may not even object openly, but with his whole bewildered face he can brake you very much. So much that being able to will be very hard.

And think, perhaps you are doing the same? Isn’t it in this way, by braking the partner, that those who at the start of a personal relationship were brilliant for us, now, braked against you and doubting themselves, have become feckless? Collapsed, deflated before the judging looks of a close person?

Of course, clarifying mutual interests does not always go on a wave of high enthusiasm. Ask yourself: not “why is he like this and that – he doesn’t understand my subtle soul”, but ask the question another way: “what am I trading my living parts for, the parts I renounce in order to keep this relationship, what is my secondary gain”. Is the game worth the candle; if I don’t live myself fully next to this person, then what is all this for?

The secondary gain may turn out to be: the status of a family person; the status of material conformity to your pictures of a successful life; the pride of seeing yourself as a saviour (a very unexpected secondary gain, and for many it is frightening to discover it in themselves). And perhaps, if this is your case, you will catch yourself in some kind of self-interest, otherwise why would you be in this unappetising relationship. Then it is time to go into conflict. Having thought it over, you may suddenly discover that without a relationship it is somehow freer and easier for you to live yourself, but how scary it is to admit it to yourself! After all, when we agree to something that isn’t quite to our heart’s liking, we are already in conflict, in an inner conflict with ourselves.

Staying long in an inner conflict, a person wears himself out with contradictions. He will be terribly afraid of outer conflicts, because he doesn’t know how to resolve them, either inside or outside.

Being in an inner conflict, we don’t see a way to give ourselves the chance to realise some of our needs, which, it seems to us, may destroy what we have.

Often we don’t go into conflict so as not to lose “face”; by this we rob ourselves, not allowing ourselves to live fully. Then what can we expect from a partner?

If you feel bad alone with yourself and your needs contradict one another, then in a couple it will only be worse.

Perhaps there is no need to hurry to agree to a relationship in which you feel uncomfortable? To a relationship that demands compromises? Perhaps first you should leave compromises inside yourself – let yourself grow into a good relationship with yourself, generously giving yourself time to sort out your own needs. Then you will manage to go into a relationship ready to allow your partner to be whole with all his wishes, including those we don’t understand.

When we learn to listen to ourselves, then we are ready to begin to hear another. Listening to the other in a “properly” conducted conflict, we turn the conflict into a narrative. A two-way narrative, where each can tell about themselves what they hadn’t risked telling before. If we think in the category of abundance, then all the time in the world is ours. And we are in no hurry to fill every pause, we can listen endlessly; when we are not in a hurry, we can listen so as to hear.

A properly conducted conflict begins with narrative, and this is no longer confrontation but a heart-to-heart talk. Imagine you are listening to the text and the pauses:

– What is it there, in the silence between the lines? That is the most important part of the information! It is by the length of the pauses that I understand what matters to my dear one. It is by the “fear” of my pauses in my narrative, when he tries to interrupt me, that I see what the partner fears most in my story. And it is precisely to where he is “afraid” that I carefully and confidently invite him – there is growth there, there are new territories where we haven’t been yet.

Otherwise, what is all this for? Why do I need a partner who will be afraid of some of my facets, how could I be myself with him?

For a whole number of people, to understand that a certain relationship isn’t worth it, they have to be convinced of it through many years of experience of quarrels.

Where at first it will seem that “one day the partner will change for me, or will accept me whole”, but unfortunately, almost always the “one day” doesn’t come. And both the first and the second belief – “that he will change” and “that he will accept me” – are delusions.

If this is about You, then perhaps it is time to draw conclusions, having reviewed your inner postulates.

Mistake 1. Isn’t the very idea “that the other will change” the main mistake? If I think so, it means I see him as a semi-finished product, but is that so?

Maybe the problem is not in him, but in me?

Mistake 2 Maybe it is I who don’t accept myself, with all my value-meanings? And the partner is secondary in this chain of non-acceptance? Maybe I should start with myself and discover that what he doesn’t accept is what I don’t accept in myself?

What do we really need relationships for?

Only those relationships are worthwhile that make you freer and more powerful than you are without them.

Freedom is a necessary condition for love to arise. Without freedom there will be only its surrogates. It is in Freedom that a place appears for real love to show itself.

Natalia Valitskaya