Retreat “Remembering Your Purpose” / July 2012

A review by a Woman named Pure Lily

Retreat 2012 – remembering your purpose…

The road from Kyiv to the place of the CAMP was long enough for me. I did not understand where I was going, and had only a vague idea why. I had been to many different psychological trainings in my life, hoping to put myself together bit by bit, to find the “meaning of life”, to understand my purpose. And I was going to this CAMP with a kind of despair and without much faith that I would manage even to touch what I wanted. Thank you, Lyusya, who was beside me on the road right up to the place of the main events of the CAMP – talking with her helped me calm down and supported me all that time. Khotsky! A small village with a great many children! So many that there simply aren’t enough places in the kindergarten for most of the kids!!! 🙂 And so, a UAZ jeep pulled up at the centre of Khotsky; it was supposed to pick up Lyusya and me and take us deep into the forest, to the Kaniv Sea, to the meeting place. The UAZ reminded me of my childhood, when, as a little girl, I often rode in such “working” vehicles as the bobik, the tractor, the same UAZ, the combine harvester… The vehicles differ in size, but the feelings are somehow similar: just as great and fun! – inside the back we were thrown from side to side, now up, now back down, it smelled of engine oil, and from time to time I banged my head on the roof. 🙂 And the UAZ driver turned out to be a Schumacher! He handled the UAZ so skilfully at a decent speed, over fairly difficult roads, that when we got stuck on one of the roads, covered in quicksand, he managed to deal with this tricky situation without difficulty. Though it seemed to me that we were stuck for a long time…

And there it was! The Kaniv Sea! Though my friend Google went into a panic at the word “sea” in this combination, and insistently suggested that I use the word “reservoir” instead. But it really is a SEA! Which differs hardly at all from a real one, except in its artificial way of being grown. The other participants were not there yet, and Lyusya and I went to look for the very place where the processes would take place. The place turned out to be ready for our arrival: a slope down to the sea, a small hillock for the tents, a pile of firewood, an equipped table, which later turned out to be our shared place for enjoying food.

I began to put up my tent and to look for the place where I wanted to sleep in it. I dashed with the already assembled tent from one spot to another: “what if it will be better for me here, or maybe here?..” – my head argued with my heart, I was looking for something like: “sitting alone with a bare bum on an icy peak”, while with my heart I wanted to be closer to the other participants. Hours later the other participants of the CAMP arrived.

Searching for my name and for parts for my amulet, I went into the forest, I don’t know where exactly, and I don’t know why. Seeing an uprooted tree, I decided that it was where I should go. As soon as I came up to this tree, before I had time to think anything, I had a fit of hysterics. This tree led me to thoughts about loneliness, and only one word spun in my head – nonentity. This tree seemed very dear and close to me… Often in life I feel like a nonentity, and, being in this place, I revelled in this state to the full. Having calmed down a little, I remembered that I needed objects to make an amulet. They turned out to be a piece of root of this uprooted tree, a twig of rowan, tree bark and acorns. From all this I made my amulet. And to be honest, throughout the CAMP I treated it quite carelessly, and now it barely “lives”. I made it really too fragile. And as objects of power for my womb pouch I found a branch that reminded me of a sopilka. The branch was double, and I came up with the metaphor that one branch is the Man – the head, the second is the Woman – the neck. And I found one more little twig with certain symbols: a half-heart and a spear – for me this too is about the masculine (the spear) and the feminine (the half-heart), about relationships, the theme of the east, the colour yellow. 🙂

The name Pure Lily. The time came to choose a name for myself and to have it confirmed by the tribe “Gentle Wolves”. To be honest, until the final decision about my name I was sure that I would be named: “Utter Fool”, “Dumb Blonde”, “Pathetic Nonentity”… But when the tribe “Gentle Wolves” announced that I stirred in them a wish to support me, and that they associated me with the word “gentle”. Why do words and signs of tenderness bring tears to my eyes?.. Often in life I try to be someone I am not in my essence. I want tenderness, but I am ashamed of it, I want support, but I don’t take it, and don’t ask for it, though to those around me it is quite obvious that I need precisely such warm and tender feelings, while I demonstratively go on showing that I need no one and nothing. And since the word “gentle” had already been used by Gentle Kitten, and the flower I like is the lily, my name became Pure Lily. For me personally a synonym of the word “Pure” is the word “innocent”, and I decided that with the name Pure Lily I begin everything from a clean sheet – a new Me. And indeed, at this CAMP I managed to touch my true self – the one who had been completely unknown and inaccessible to me before. I noticed that here, at the CAMP, the same thing happened with the name Pure Lily as with my social name – Lena. Every now and then I was called by other names – Gentle Lily, White Lily, Pure Line. It is amazing that I sometimes called myself that too. Now I am thinking that the time has come to declare, and to keep declaring, who I am, what I love, what I want, and what my name is. And let it sound clear, strong, proud and confident!

The Run of Power. A run of a particular kind, where one person’s hand lies on the shoulder of the person ahead – a sort of chain, a “caterpillar”. Relaxed shoulders, frequent breathing, running in step, inhaling and exhaling in unison… The Run of Power began from early morning, and my first such morning run seemed to me the longest and hardest. I tried to do everything “right” outwardly, but later I understood that what matters more is not the form of the run itself but the breathing – the strength and support that the breathing gives. Especially when the partner in front / behind actively supports you with THEIR active breathing! Thank you, Gentle Kitten! Relaxing my shoulders during the Run of Power I never managed, it seemed that my upper body lived by itself and my lower body separately. My upper part strove to lean forward, my legs could barely keep up, the posture was uncomfortable for me, and the shoulders were the most strained of all.

The Blind Day. From late evening I was already blindfolded. Waking up early in the morning, I heard the ringing of a bowl and began to feel my way out of the tent. To do this blind was very curious and interesting for me! And my guide was Child Storm. And then I felt her hand, Child Storm helped me get to the place where the Run of Power had started. It is amazing that the Run of Power with the blindfold turned out to be easier and more pleasant for me than without it. With my eyes closed I trod on the heels of the person in front about half as often, and it was easier to keep my back straight. At some point I understood that when I have my eyes open and see everything, a great deal of my strength and energy goes into outer control – how do I look? What do others think of me? Etc. – while blindfolded I felt much simpler and freer. When I ran in the footsteps of Gentle Kitten, I noticed that, running after him, i.e. after a man, I allowed myself to step on his heels, I was angry and irritated, but decided that I would not adjust to his steps – if I tread on him, so be it. But when I ran after Child Storm, i.e. after a woman, I was insanely afraid of treading on her heels, and even with my eyes closed I tried to control myself as best I could and listened for her steps. It was unbearable, I was quietly angry and irritated inside, but I went on being careful, running behind her. I am still not very resilient to displeasure and anger coming from a woman – I am vulnerable. While running blindfolded, I even managed to avoid collisions with branches, logs and other obstacles on my way, while those who could see managed to stumble over them.

P.S. By the way, I was ashamed to swim naked with a blindfold on, and without the blindfold I do it easily 🙂 At the beginning of the “blind day” practice I felt like a burden to my guide Child Storm. I felt unneeded – in the kitchen, for example, I wanted to do something, to help. Having stayed a little with my feeling of being unneeded, at some point I felt an impulse to go up, and even to crawl to the edge of the shore, to the sea. I did it for myself and all my anxiety vanished. I think it would have been easier for me if a blind person next to me, when I am sighted, tried as little as possible to help me, to do something for me. I would be grateful if he (the blind person) first of all did something for himself. After breakfast we returned to the forest for further practices, namely: elements of contact improvisation and the sounds of the 4 elements. The contact improvisation practice with an emphasis on the bones turned out to be hard for me. I heard the other participants rejoicing as they tried different positions of the body in this “dance”, and at that moment I felt helpless, clumsy, I could not interact with other bodies the way I would have liked, and with tears in my eyes I revelled in my helplessness, uselessness, awkwardness. But precisely at that moment of complete despair I surrendered (died). A moment of death and birth at once happened to me – birth, but in a different quality. This is my theme: it is about how I, a woman, can surrender to a man – which I almost (or rather never) do in life. And here, in this practice, it happened to me, and this is very precious to me. And I have difficulties with sound. I want any sound to pour out of me in a stream, but so far, by my feelings, I sound unnatural and tense… Lunch with closed eyes was amazing! – I still remember the taste of black bread with sunflower oil, and a cucumber! which I chewed very slowly and for a long time, enjoying the taste and smell of these foods. Then I breathed… Thank you, Organised Fox, for being beside me at that difficult moment for me, thank you for the warmth and weight of your body, for the sound and breathing in unison, and thank you for being there at the moment when I became sighted again… Happiness for me is feeling the world, the forest, the people around me with a blindfold on – it is very deep and special. And the happiness of seeing this world again with my eyes. Thank you, Organised Fox, for such an opportunity and for the new deep experiences and sensations…)

Eye to eye) A practice in which I looked into the eyes of each of the participants. In the eyes of Organised Fox I saw a She-wolf – these were the eyes of a very wise she-wolf who knows what pain is. It was hard for me to hide from her eyes, and I understood that there was no need to hide anywhere – in her gaze I felt support and strength. The gaze of Gentle Kitten seemed to me very cold and appraising – everything inside me clenched, my face twisted, my fists clenched with pain and anger! – I was ready to sink my claws into his face and tear it apart!

When I spoke the 3 phrases: You are to blame for my pain I am to blame for my pain Nobody is to blame for my pain What I do best is blame others) even for what they are not to blame for) But the second phrase aroused interest and curiosity: I am to blame for my pain. At first I did not believe it (how can I be to blame myself? Surely someone else is to blame, whatever happens!), but the more often I repeated this phrase, the freer I felt. Instead of Gentle Kitten sitting opposite, I imagined my father, and, repeating the words consciously, at some moment I noticed that at the phrase “I am to blame for my pain” I live “as if” separately from my dad, and he separately, “as if” we are free of each other – unlike with the 1st phrase, where I got the feeling that my father and I are one whole: the pain is mine, and he is to blame. So the 2nd version was more interesting to me than the first. And the 3rd phrase simply baffled me: what do you mean nobody is to blame? Someone is to blame all the same. )

Regarding the practice in the forest with blindfolds (with a change of partner) I want to say that the less I try to help, to protect, to warn and to take care of the blind person, the happier everyone around is! and me included! ) Less control over the blind person, and their head will stop spinning. More life, i.e. bruises, knocks, scratches, and everything will be OK! And when I walked alone with my eyes bandaged, I was very cautious, careful, and it exhausted me very much – though in that caution I felt where a tree would be, and it was there! I only recovered when I crouched down, touched the leaves of the bushes, the branches. I did not go far from the place where Organised Fox sat – it was curious to learn later that “staying close” is typical of a woman, and for a man it is to go far away, which was exactly how it was at the CAMP with Gentle Kitten ) I had never even thought about this before… And in general – more risk in my life – I am too cautious, so far – I am afraid to live, and afraid to die…

Holotropic breathwork before the grave. At the beginning of the session my throat clenched from tension and spasm, my fists clenched too, I wanted to scream, which, in fact, I did, through pain and tears. After that there was a feeling of flight and I began to see ever more clearly an image, the image of my mummy with newborn me. I had never seen my mum happier in my life. She was insanely happy – she was rejoicing at my birth. ) Mummy, I love you very much, please forgive me for the rejection, pain and rudeness towards you… What I saw and felt in this session is hard for me to describe in words, but I do not remember a happier moment in my life – this feeling of unconditional love and acceptance, the connection between my mum and me… “Only those girls hear their heart who have love with their mum” – thank you, Verochka, for such wise words ) – it seems I managed to feel it – love with my mum. 🙂

The Grave. This was my 2nd experience in life of being in a grave. After the first time I was left with a strong impression, having run out of the grave like a bullet in the middle of the night and having tried afterwards to devalue the whole value of that experience. Amazingly for me, this time I WANTED to be in the grave, although, as last time, I “slipped away” from digging it and from the further preparation until it was completely ready. But this time everything was more conscious: sometimes, noticing in myself a tendency to slink away from the work, I was even curious to stop, to take up something and do it, to make my contribution to the grave. I volunteered to be buried 2nd – after Gentle Kitten. I wanted to be in the grave while it was still a bit light outside, i.e. not deep night. And so this moment came. I climbed into the grave to straighten the mat inside, and in the very first second of being in it I told myself I would not get in, I was starting to panic! But, hearing that at any moment I could ask and they would dig me out, I took off my warm things – I was hot (from emotion) – and decided to get into the grave after all. This grave was a real unexpected gift to me! because it was very soft and airy, easy and pleasant to dig (running ahead – and being in it was great too :)). My previous grave was about 80 percent stones, and I dug it with a girl for about 10 hours! – so I have something to compare with) And this little grave was ready from A to Z in about 2 hours and was simply maaagnificent compared to my previous experience. 🙂 They began to cover me with earth, put a lid on me, closed all the cracks. In the very first minutes of being in the grave something bit me very painfully on the neck – I suspect it was a red ant, because the burning was very strong and lasted quite a long time. I heard at the CAMP that bites, bruises and so on appear in the most tense places…) Yes, that is about me: I have such a place – the throat, one of the most tense places on my body. I want to say that the earth will put up with everything… And with everything that happened to me afterwards, too. In my thoughts I began to try on events from my past, my childhood, which I had managed to write down before my burial, namely – the deaths of my closest people. Suddenly accusations poured out at my dead loved ones, a heap of grievances against them.

And then, in the grave, I was “carried away” about my ex-boyfriend V. I began to swear loudly, to scream, to writhe, to hiss, to jump up, to bang with my feet and hands in the grave, at V. I hate you! I despise you! I accuse you! May you d..e! – I screamed. I am writing now about my ex, and I barely notice in myself that some small part of me wants to surrender to him, while the second – the stronger – fiercely resists! Sometimes I want to give in and let him go, and sometimes I even want to take the first step myself on the way to reconciling with him – but… all right… never mind… I’m probably not ready yet… Also, in the grave, for the first time I said out loud the words: I had an abortion, I killed my child. I repeated these words as many times as I needed in order to feel full responsibility for this event in my life. Then I thought about my mum and my grandmother, about how there is a lot I want to say to them, and I want to do a lot for them. Amazingly, only now, describing my processes at the CAMP, only now did I notice that in the grave I did not think of my dad at all, as if he did not exist among my loved ones… I climbed out of the grave in complete certainty that in the grave I had turned to absolutely all my closest people, both living and dead… – it seems not to all… Yes, I have many different strong feelings and experiences connected with my dad. So strong that in the grave I pushed my dad out completely… And my birth (the exit from the grave) was wonderful! I was met by Organised Fox, Gentle Kitten and Happy Doe 🙂 I was so glad to see you all! 🙂

Yoga. Stretches make me irritated, and give me a wish to growl and scream! Stretches are what I want to work with: sometimes it seems to me that through stretches I will arrive at some liberation in the body – for example, my shoulders and spine will level out, I’ll shed part of the tension… My spine already feels, already wants to straighten up, to unbend, and I am already looking forward to the feeling of lightness and freedom in my body… I want it, let it happen: I fully enjoy the lightness and freedom of movement in my body! )

The womb pouch and the night in the forest. I heard about several objects of power: the staff, the womb pouch, the dreamcatcher and the magic wand. At first the womb pouch interested me, and when I heard that, unlike the other objects of power, the womb pouch is an object of feminine energy, I was all the more convinced of the rightness of my choice. Having gathered everything necessary for my pouch (leather, thread, fittings) I went to pack for the night in the forest. I had no desire and no strength to pack, only – one anxiety, which kept growing. At some point Child Storm came up to me and, feeling an impulse, I was the first to turn to her with the words: “Caress me…”, and she did it, she caressed me ) And I trusted her, her hands, and … calmed down – I found the strength to pack – it takes so little for complete happiness: for example, such an embrace from a person beside you ) Thank you, Child Storm… ) And now everything was ready! I had packed several bags, walked 10 metres with them and … why on earth is “everything” so complicated for me?! After all, it is simpler and easier to carry things in a rucksack. I returned to the tent and moved all my necessary things into a rucksack. After some stretch of the road the same “joke” happened to me again: of the two roads into the forest I chose the one blocked by trees and overgrown with big bushes and prickly branches. Stopping with the thought that I could take the simpler and easier way, I returned to the second road and walked along it deep into the forest. Twice I stopped, as it seemed to me at that moment, in the very clearings where I wanted to stay all night, but as soon as I settled in a clearing, the sun hid behind the clouds, and I felt lonely and even a little eerie at times. The third clearing turned out to be the one, mine – yes, I want to sleep here! 🙂 Among many pines there was one single tree, an oak, on which many birds sat singing. It was right beside it that I made my place. First of all I set about stitching together the pieces of leather for the womb pouch; the leather was thick, and the needle and thread went through it very stiffly. That is practically what I did, concentrating, until it got dark. In a break from this occupation I gradually took off all my clothes and in the forest I was absolutely naked and walked barefoot on the pine cones. And later I wanted to build a magic wheel with all the directions of the world, and for that I went a little further into the forest in search of objects for the altars of each direction: north, east, south and west. I was making the magic wheel for the 2nd time, and now I made it more consciously, compared with the first time. For the north I found a little feather, in the east I put a candle and matches brought from the camp, in the south I put an offering of dried fruit, and in the west – a bead that I had made of clay. And in the centre of this magic wheel I left a bracelet with green stones. I mixed up the directions twice! At first I mixed up only north with west, and in the morning I understood that I had also mixed up north with south. The only one that was right at the start for me was the east. What could that mean? It seems that in life too I have many things mixed up, values, priorities set wrongly… Maybe that is why the night in the forest was so agonisingly unbearable for me? It began to get dark, I left my sewing for the next day, moved my sleeping bag to the centre of the magic wheel and settled down to sleep. After lying there at most 5 minutes, I leapt up from great inner anxiety and panic, terror seized me, I was frightened: I am alone in the forest, I shuddered at every rustle and sound. Yes indeed, fear has big eyes… Instead of my sleeping bag, before my eyes I saw my late grandmother, on my dad’s side. At times it seemed to me that my clearing was lit by the light of aliens who had come for me! All around, the dead from the most powerful horror film seemed to appear. I had a feeling that I was going mad, I walked non-stop around my sleeping bag, I was afraid to touch it, I waved my arms, I began to cry out and lament: “Go away! I don’t want it! I don’t want it! Go away!” To this process of mine was added a big swarm of mosquitoes, and all of them – around my face. The sound of the mosquitoes reminded me of the church songs sung when a dead person is seen off to the grave. Everything around sounded, reminded, brought me back to death. At some moment I saw the faces and distorted bodies of all my dead, closest people: one grandfather, the other grandfather, my godfather, my dad’s mother, whom my sleeping bag reminded me of. And I am little, and they are so big, frightening, in places disfigured, like clouds they thickened over me, drew close to me. I decided that was it! I would now go out of my mind from fear, panic and terror. I yelled, sat down on the sleeping bag, I had no strength left to go on darting around the sleeping bag, and I decided to “surrender”. And suddenly the dead began to move away, and a little later – dissolved completely in the starry sky. That is how I met the fear of death – how strongly this fear lives in me… P.S. Even the seaweed in the water reminds me of death. I have never in my life swum further than the place where I can still feel the bottom under my feet. But it was precisely the water, the sea, that had a calming effect on me. For some reason I got the impression that death, by its feel, is similar to water, to seaweed in the water: tender, calm, serene, “velvety”… Returning to the night in the forest, I decided that my torments were over, and I lay down in my sleeping bag to sleep. My strength was leaving me, and my eyelids grew heavy. But not so fast. The mosquitoes buzzed near my ears, bit my face, I hid from them in the sleeping bag with my head inside, but they crawled through the cracks and went on drinking my blood. I climbed out of the sleeping bag, ran about, jumped, waved off these parasite creatures, the mosquitoes, but the more actively I defended myself and wrapped myself up against them, the more of them there were, the louder they were, the more places on my face the mosquitoes covered. Amazing! For 4–5 hours I fought them, I was angry, hoping that it would stop them, but I felt they were laughing at me and did not believe my anger (and I myself, to be honest, didn’t really believe it either). I was afraid to sound loud, so that the people around would not think I was ill. This night seemed to me endlessly long, unbearable and heavy, I raged at the sky: when will dawn finally come?! And only about an hour before dawn, after 5 hours of actively fighting the mosquitoes and defending myself from them, did I have a catharsis, I began to scream with all my might – now I had no time to think about whether anyone would hear me or not. My throat was convulsed by strong spasms, I sobbed uncontrollably. I was frightened of suffocation, I could not calm down. After some time my breathing began to recover, I began to have strong urges to vomit, and I began actively to support this process and in every way to provoke it… This lasted for some more time, and suddenly “everything” at some moment seemed to stop. I froze in a sitting position, my head leaning on my knees, with my arms around them. Before my eyes began to “pass” in detail all 3 years of life together with my ex-boyfriend V. I no longer paid any attention to the mosquitoes, my attention was taken up with my inner experiences, and there were fewer and fewer mosquitoes. I lay down in the sleeping bag, I was thoroughly worn out that night by the fight with the mosquitoes, and I no longer thought about anything. Occasionally one or two mosquitoes flew over, which for some reason did not even bite me any more, but, buzzing a little near me, simply flew on. Can it be that in order for me to stop resisting, to notice, and to begin to experience the deepest experiences – the pain that is in me – I have to bring myself to exhaustion every time? Can it be that to “get at” me takes mosquitoes, and an all-night struggle with them? Why are there such difficulties in my life, why is it so hard for me to simply surrender, give myself and trust?.. Why, with what or with whom am I fighting inside myself? With the fear of death? Or with something else?.. And what if I risk living and being truly alive? I think it is worth dying for that. In the morning I returned to the camp, finding my way back without difficulty.

The Inipi Sweat Lodge. Amazing and wonderful, of course, is the technology of building this sweat lodge 🙂 Before the lodge – a meditation on fire, an enormous fire! which we lit to heat the stones for the lodge. Later – maté drinking and gratitude to the 4 elements. Entering the Inipi in a certain way, making wishes as if what I wish for I already have! 🙂 Songs and frequent deep breathing – that is what helped me stay in a lodge that was very hot for me, with stones heated red-hot. 4 elements, 4 rounds in the lodge, 4 swims in the sea. It was especially hard for me to be in the lodge in the first round (the element – Fire) and in the fourth, last time, when the songs were dedicated to the element Air. Everything connected with the element Air makes me dizzy: jumping from a cliff, the sound “Yo”… The 4th round in the lodge was no exception for me, and this time (the element Air) made me dizzy. I decided that if I came out of the lodge now, I would be left with a feeling of incompleteness, so I stayed to the end – I howled, screamed, sang songs, and on the last song I felt a second wind and joy that I had gone a little further than usual. My heart was beating wildly, I went into the sea, lay on my back on the water, the stars were whirling before my eyes – I was frightened that my heart would either stop or burst now! Despite the dizziness, I was content and fell into a sound sleep in my tent.

A few more brief words about some of my important moments at the CAMP.

I made friends with wasps! 🙂

A roe deer in the forest is so graceful! 🙂

Trust in the embrace of Gentle Kitten. How wonderful it is to feel weak and protected in the arms of a strong man. )

Communicating with the hands with Child Storm, to the point of dizziness – reminded me of the sensations when I made the jump from the cliff – for me this is about trust. )

I wonder why, when I said filler words, they did not stop me at that moment? It turned out I was the only one who managed to avoid the squats, the press-ups, the run there and back… Why did I manage to avoid punishment?..

Phrases that sank deep into my soul:

Thank you for what is, and nothing for what is not 🙂

If claims are made against me, it means I spoil people too much.

Thank you, Dad, for the fact that thanks to you I am a woman.

I owe you nothing, – You owe me nothing 🙂

I take and accept it when people want to make me happy! 🙂

And, about packing to go home! )

Fast Wave and Happy Doe left earlier. Organised Fox, Child Storm, Gentle Kitten and I left together. At first I was indignant, and was about to object on the road that we had passed the stop for Kyiv by the short road. But soon I was happy that we went by the longer road – there was time to assimilate my experience, and to make a sort of recapitulation of the week of life in the forest, at the CAMP!

A wonderful training, amazing people in a stunning place! 🙂 Thank you, Organised Fox, for creating such a Retreat and for the chance to get to know so many practices! 🙂 In conclusion I want to say that this was MY CAMP, the events took place exactly where I needed them to, exactly those people came to the CAMP, and exactly as many people as I needed, and the conditions were ideal for me. ) This is my life, and the time has come for qualitative changes in it 🙂