Retreat at the eclipse / 2011

Yulia Golovkina – /BLACK LYNX/

What was this hike for me?

A leap into complete unknown, when the route, the company I would be walking with and the content of the seminar were all an open question. Total readiness, interest and the anticipation of Adventure.

The main question is this: “How will I surprise myself in new circumstances?”. I can say right away that I had to be surprised all the time, and that is wonderful.

Firstly (and this was a surprise to me), by my own weakness, because the rucksack, which had terrified me with its size even at home, turned out to be unbearably heavy for me at first, especially on the first day, when we had to climb uphill all the time.

Secondly, by the practice of silence. It allowed me to live through all the processes much more deeply than I am used to, without “chattering them away”. And also – what amazing emotions rose in me when, stopping on the ascent, I looked down! (I had to stop often.) Joy, happiness, a feeling of flight…

An amazing combination: my legs are humming, my heart is pounding, I can barely get my breath back (that is, it is physically hard), and the feelings are – “How happy I am to be here now, how wonderful everything is, how I love life!” I was also very surprised that I almost did not feel like eating at all, although it seems it should have been the other way round – fresh air, exertion and so on. The organism, it seems, decided not to trouble itself with the processes of digestion, but to take energy directly.

And the mountain lake by which we stood for two days for the eclipse! What beauty, the remains of snow on the slopes, the little streams flowing out of it, the green valley!

The eclipse, a mystical time, a time for freeing yourself from old programmes and setting new goals. For the first time in my life, all the while it lasted (4 hours) I hardly took my eyes off the disc of the Moon.

Blind practices (anyone who has been through them even once understands that there is no use talking about them – the depth of understanding yourself in these processes and the vividness of the impressions cannot be conveyed in words), when the World opens up before you not in colour and light but in sensations, tastes, smells, temperature, and people not in words and facial expressions but in touches, in intentions that you have to guess, to feel, because talking is not allowed!

And the most important thing for me, perhaps, was the constant practice of tracking my thoughts, emotions and actions. I stress: constant practice! That it is important to be whole, total, not to let yourself scatter and tear yourself to pieces with chaotic thoughts and feelings – this I had known for a long time.

That here we had to do it, to write it down, to analyse constantly and so to build a HABIT – that is perhaps the most valuable thing for me. Though, of course, it is hard to single anything out, everything was valuable, rarely does a week pass so richly, so fruitfully and with such a thrill!

And, in general, I could tell you much more, because every day was a discovery, many discoveries!

I feel that all of this has changed me greatly, and my ordinary life has acquired new content. I watch myself with interest, because now I often behave differently, not as I used to.

I am very grateful to everyone who was there, each one brought their own unique part into the common process, I remember it with joy, and I keep remembering… remembering!

THE ADVENTURE HAS HAPPENED! When is the next one?

Yulia Golovkina (BLACK LYNX)

Photos in the text by the guide Sergey Kryzhanovsky http://northwind.gallery.ru/

The last RETREAT of summer 2011 – August in the Carpathians